Life changes are hard on me. That’s why when I began to pack up my small, yet impressively stuffed NYC apartment to move home for an undetermined amount of time, I decided to turn to the professionals…on TV. Are you familiar with Marie Kondo, the sensation that swept Netflix, oh approximately 2 years ago? Am I finally at a point in quarantine where I’ve turned to organizational shows for pleasure? Am I so 2000 and late? You know it!

“Tidying Up with Marie Kondo” is about one (adorable) woman’s quest in finding joy in the act of cleaning. Whereas housework seems to provide me with grief and stress, Marie focuses on the positive energy and space that is created once clutter is depleted. Well, stay at home Mer is always up for some self-improvement, so I decided to try Marie’s philosophy. In short, her mantra is summed up to this; does an object spark joy for you? If not, it’s time to say goodbye.

Now, while I’m all up for simplicity, I feel like Marie could learn a thing or two about the anxious mind. As I replayed the episode in my head, I eagerly moved to my first tidying target task, a table that also acts as a storage unit thanks to the brilliant meatball-fueled minds at IKEA. Garbage bag in hand, I rummaged below three sets of towels, where I came across my Halloween costume from years ago. The crumpled green leaf clad poison ivy corset, chosen as a result of a recent breakup, appeared as if the voluptuous villain had finally met her match. Well, the obvious choice was to chuck it right? But, something happened when I picked up the form fitting polyester–I began to ruminate. This is the costume I wore when I first kissed my now boyfriend-SPARKS JOY! This is a costume I’ll never fit back into-DOES NOT SPARK THE JOY! Marie, help a girl out! Is it possible to feel two opposing things at once? Wait a minute; can I be more than one thing at a time?

And the simply complex answer, taught to me by the reliable teacher, quarantine, is yes.  Human beings are a beautiful mix of thoughts and feelings, of head and heart. Vulnerability can make you courageous. And have you ever met a person who is just one thing? Well, that wouldn’t be a very interesting person now, would it?

In this moment, I have realized that I love being social, but I also need space to decompress. Having alone time provides me with sanctuary and resolve, but it is also terrifying to face my thoughts without a filter. There are moments where I want things to speed up and slow down, and sometimes, even the things that excite me, scare me.

Yup, here I am, a self-proclaiming proud, OxyMERon. And it was only when I was able to accept the non-harmonious parts of me that I was able to remove the sense of guilt I was feeling. You see, I stopped trying to be what I deemed was the better, more attractive of the two traits, and chose instead to simply be.

In a way, I can’t believe it took a global pandemic for me to learn something that makes so much sense. And yet, this desire to make sense, to want to be one thing, is so engrained in us. Society makes us choose one characteristic all the time. Are you an introvert or extrovert? Left-brain or right-brain? The first question we are asked in job interviews is “tell me about yourself?” Can you imagine answering that prompt honestly? “Well Bob, let me tell you I’m one complicated SOB!” And it’s taken until now for people to begin to accept the fluidity that exists in gender and sexuality.

As life proves to be more complicated, we have to accept that we too, fit that mold. Eternal California girl Katy Perry got it right. We change our mind like a girl changes clothes. And you know what, Marie? I’m taking the costume with me.