We’ve all heard the classic story; Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl in the end. But it’s 2018 people and we all know love stories aren’t that simple. Doesn’t the lady get any say in her inevitable fate? And what about the unavoidable in between? The assessing, sometime obsessing, and of course, countless hours figuring out dressing?
As a 27-year-old girl I’ve had a few romantic relationships with men. While sharing yourself and learning everything about your male partner is amazing, there is always something special about having fierce, funny, and inspiring women that have your back.
This year, Girl’s Trip was a box-office hit for a reason. When the world seems a bit less friendly you can always count on a female friend to make you laugh, to take you out, have a non-judgmental snack attack, and listen.
So, in the spirit of almost 2019, I’d like to tell a different, but just as important love story; the rise (and sometimes unfortunate fall) of the reladyship.
On Love Lost:
Getting older can be difficult in many ways. One of them is the hard-hitting realization that just because you put your energy and love into something or someone, doesn’t mean you’re going to get the same back. Knowing when to let that love go so you can focus your attention on other things can be excruciatingly difficult. Especially if you’re like me and you hold on viciously to a time when things were good.
I for one, am notoriously terrible at goodbyes. I famously Irish Exited my own goodbye party (blame it on the henny), choosing to walk 20 blocks by my lonesome. Walking out was easier than mustering the words and emotions. But easier isn’t always better.
I started off my post-graduate career having my heart broken. And it wasn’t by a man. It was by women who made me feel less. It still has taken me 6 more years to learn that certain people are meant to be in your life at specific points, and as quickly as they enter, they exit.
Hanging on to toxic relationships can make you crazy. More importantly, they can deplete you. And amidst the cancelled plans, unanswered phone calls, and excuses there has to be a certain point where your memory montage stops, and you say enough. You don’t have to love someone for who they’ve become, rather you can love the time you’ve spent together. It isn’t always enough, and it isn’t always fair. But hey, you know what they say about love and life.
Girl Crush:
So there you are again, starting over trying to meet other women like you in New York City. There is NOTHING quite like it. To meet people, sometimes you decide to join a marathon team only to find out you are a lone, but consistently excellent, caboose. There is a fantastic picture of a man pushing a dog in a carriage lapping me. I am placing that here for everyone’s enjoyment.
Sometimes you muster up the courage to fork over a non-refundable Franklin so you can't get out of showing up by your lonesome at organized sports. 9 out of 10 times you are assigned to the pink team whose record of 0 and 10 leads your captain to literally hit a wall (read the bold, non-competitive league), and then, because failure is not an option, you roll up your high socks, put your meanest camo Mets hat on backwards, and head to the field. There was always something about the least physical sport of softball I loved the best. Perhaps it was the constant companionship of snacks on the bench.
And then BAM. It hits you. Your first real girl crush in 3 years of being in New York. And let me tell you the girl crush is the WORST kind of crush because it is filled with uncertainty.
I know, dating in New York City is hard, but hear me out on why girl dating is 10 X harder.
Attraction in romance is obvious. But meeting your potential lady soulmate, well that’s not as easy to read. Questions begin to cycle consistently in your head. Does she want a new friend? She probably has millions of friends. Am I coming off as desperate? Does she know how cool she is? Way cooler than me. Has she figured out she’s way cooler than me yet?
Now I thought this was just me, but the phenomenon goes way past my own experience. And here’s proof. One of my closest friends signed up for classpass and met this fantastic girl in her yoga studio. They chatted before class, got lost finding the room together, and after the hour-long stretching saga the girl lay just within reach. My friend’s namaste didn’t stay. Should she take the initiative and ask for her number? Was the connection mutual? Now folks, I wish this love story had a happy ending, but the fear of the femme fatale was so strong, my friend never opened her mouth (except to tell me all about this at the bar after class).
My story, well now that’s a bit happier. I asked my girl crush to meet me at a bar (with my sister, so you know not that brave). After annoying my sister to an extreme degree re-asking the question, “do you think she likes me,” I was calmed down by the wisdom of her 32-year-old self, “I think she definitely likes you for you.” Until these past few months, I wasn’t sure if that was quite the compliment.
But here’s the thing. It is the ULTIMATE compliment. Finding smart, fantastic women who understand you for everything you are and appreciate the quirks (and as John Legend would say, curves and edges), can make you feel your most beautiful. And as my new friend (who probably after this post realizes just what a cool kid I actually am-sarcasm) introduced me to her friend, well the world began to feel whole. And if I didn’t have these new wonderful women in my life, well I’d never appreciate the wonderful thing that is a healthy female relationship.
This year we hosted our first Friendsgiving. And when I asked if someone could pass the potatoes there were so many hands willing to make the exchange. Sometimes it takes hardships and losses of love to help lead you to new and bigger loves in your life. And for that I’m truly grateful.
So here’s to the ladies who lunch, brunch, and do, well, everything in between.
-na MER Ste-